Guest post: ChocoTense Saturn

Today we’ve got a guest post from my favorite in-the-Netherlands ex-pat, Neil! ~Rosa

Greetings again from the soggy Netherlands, dear ZOMG, Candy! readers. Today’s post is about a 150 gram bar I found at a local discount store, Wibra.

Wibra is good for generic 1 Euro utensils, deeply discounted name brand toiletries, socks, and an odd assortment of other goods. Basically a dollar store but across a variety of low prices.

Each time I’m there I try to find something that’s worthy of throwing at Rosa or trying for myself. Finally, I broke down, for your sake, to try the curiously named “Saturn”.

Saturn comes from ChocoTense, a brand of the Strootman Group. As a recovering prescriptivist, I am amused that they advertise themselves as “moving consumer goods discretely” But enough business-chatter. Let’s get down to chocolate tacks.

The bar was fairly well scored, but individual blocks were perfectly flat and unmarked. This just added to the already overwhelming feel of genericness. The blocks broke easily along the scores, but each time I did this, some shards resulted.

Little visual pips of the candies dotted the surface. Upon further reflection, I suppose they’re supposed to be like flying saucers of alien men from Saturn.

Sadly, the appearance made the bar look not entirely healthy. It’s also of note that the top is a bit scuffed up, likely as a result of it kicking around in my backpack for an afternoon.

Overwhelmingly, the flavor was bland milk chocolate, with hints of sour milk. To add insult to injury, a sticky gummy texture persisted, almost frustrating to get through, bordering on the mouthfeel of a Tootsie Roll. The miniature candies — similar to Nestle Smarties — were crispy and were definitely the highlight.

An unfortunate and inexplicable after-effect of heat and irritation in my throat came on after eating a few pieces. The overall experience wasn’t quite so bad that I chucked the remainder, but I found myself wondering what I would do with the rest of this unsatisfactory bar.

In the morning, I found that it was marginally better with my morning coffee but not worthy of any further consumption. Should you ever find yourself in line at the Wibra, skip the Saturn and reach for the Haribo bags. A .